I envy our writers who write about their agenda. I guess because of the rapid development of events and my inability to keep up, I tend to connect my own agenda to the general life in my articles. However, in this article, I would like to point on a phenomenon that has been discussed a lot in recent days, and that is not even limited to a certain period of time, but has existed for centuries. That is antisemitism, the biggest obstacle that prevents human beings from becoming people of the world through lack of love, hatred, polarization, violence and monstrosity!

I was born in Turkey, grew up in Istanbul until I was 10 years old, lived my youth in Israel until I was 16, then continued my life in Istanbul until I was 47 years old, where since then I have been living in Barcelona… Who am I? As a social identity, I am a woman, Turkish and Jewish by birth.  Later on, I had different social identities such as teacher, educator, mother, mentor, etc. I can add many more to these. But the main identity I would define myself as is a “world citizen.” It is not just because I speak many languages, have traveled or lived in many parts of the world. It is because I think I have the perception, attitude, behavior and way of life of a citizen of the world.

What do you think a World citizen looks like? Is s/he a globally recognized and globally known? I think s/he is much more than that… He or she has servant leadership qualities, for example; values other members of society as much as valuing him or herself; values not only her own, but also those with different lives, backgrounds, roots and beliefs; believes that every living being has a perfect place and function in this universe; and if she can support and help them, she would do so voluntarily, passionately, lovingly and compassionately, with the principle of “for the good of the whole”. In short, being a world citizen is about living in a multicultural, multidimensional and integrated way with oneself and society. A true person of the world is someone who is empathetic, who has compassion for themselves and others, who has pure unconditional love for themselves and everyone, who is grateful for what they have and what they don’t have, and who chooses to experience a sense of enrichment by sharing what they have with others.

For example, can we say that Kanye West, who has recently attracted attention with his anti-Semitic rhetoric and statements, is a citizen of the world? Yes, we can say that he has a globalized identity, but I think it is not possible for him to be a world citizen because he lacks the discourse and behavior that would appeal to all the people of the world. How can he be, a unifying, inclusive and a loving world citizen, with his words that sow seeds of discord such as hatred, animosity or polarization, while hiding behind his mental health and instability?

Hate speech against certain segments of society has existed for centuries. Antisemitism is probably the most widespread. Many societies have emerged and disappeared throughout history, but interestingly, from pogroms to genocides, despite everything that it has gone through, the Jewish community has survived for centuries without disappearing. Could it be that the Jewish community, like a “scapegoat”, represents and reminds us of the brightness, sophistication and immortality of true love and compassion, by attracting hatred and violence in the darkness of lovelessness and inhumanity?

A Timeless Note from Mark Twain About the Jewish People, published in the year 1899, evokes this. Although one cannot hear tone of his words, I think it conveys or makes you feel very diverse emotions. I invite you to read the text and sincerely examine the emotions it creates in you:

“If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world’s list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are also away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvelous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself, and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?” – Mark Twain

Which of the following emotions do you think his words convey? Admiration, envy, idolization? Amazement and curiosity? Envy and jealousy? Feeling powerful, mighty, superior and valuable? Empathy, compassion, love and gratitude? Or anger, shame, guilt? Maybe none of them, maybe all of them… One can feel all of them. It is directly related to where we come from, our background, the upbringing we have and the way we view life and people. Moreover, since all of these emotions are natural and human, it is only natural that we feel a few of them. But what is not natural -and even unacceptable, is how we express them, what we use them for, and what kind of actions and behaviors we push ourselves into.

For those who wish to explore and better understand these emotions, I recommend the 5-part Atlas of the Heart series on HBO Max by Psychologist and Industrial Psychologist Brené Brown. Emphasizing the role of emotions in our lives and the fact that they drive us, Brown is considered a pioneer in the field of emotions. Her words shared on her social media account in response to Kanye West’s anti-Semitic statements are unifying.

“I stand with my Jewish friends; I stand with the Jewish community; with love! Antisemitism is the epitome of lovelessness and dehumanization. You cannot love yourself or anyone else when you are in favor of lovelessness. Antisemitism in all its forms is violence. It erodes the elements that bind us as human beings.” – Brené Brown – 25 October 2022

In the last sentence… In order to move away from the phenomenon of lovelessness, hatred and violence and to be able to say “Never again!”, I invite all of us to become a world human being rather than a globally known human being and to master that path…

Love from Valencia…

October 28th, 2022

Have you realized that movies based on true stories are now produced more and more compared to the past years, and they are getting higher demand by the audience? How do I know? Because I prefer this type of movies to fiction ones. It takes one to know one! Why, though? These movies help me go back to the period in which they take place; thanks to their stories, to witness the emotions, experiences, and choices behind those events, to feel as if I have been through all of them, even for just a moment and take lessons out of them. Besides, I use such movies as case studies in my leadership courses, to inspire my students, so that they can make realistic inferences about leadership. “A wise person learns from his mistakes. A wiser one learns from others’ mistakes.” they say.

Last week, I encountered a new movie that may be an impeccable case candidate: Regardless*. Absolutely striking, and just as shocking. I was drained and shaken to the core, while watching this based on true story movie. The reason to it is that it is beyond reality –it is a terrifying story, reminiscent of fiction. I would have said “This story can’t be real!”, if I hadn’t met the protagonist face to face, moments before watching the movie, if hadn’t shaken hands and hadn’t talked to him.  But it is! It is so real that the hero was watching his own story, in that very room, with me and all the invited audience, just three seats away. Within the one hour fifty-six minute movie, for split-seconds my mind and emotions strayed away to the fact that the protagonist was there, with us. Just imagine… Imagine that he, who confirms the reality of the incredible things he’s gone through, is there sitting right beside you and watching it! It’s hard not to be impressed when you look at this beautiful person who has managed to remain “human” with his innocent face, tender heart, and kindness despite all evils! For this reason, the incredible story of İlhan Doğan, who in spite of everything succeeded in being the leader of his life, deeply affected me.

Consul General of Marseille Arda Ulutaş (on the right), my husband and I.

When we left the theatre, I wasn’t the person I was before the movie! I, who deliver trainings to people about regulating emotions, was completely out of control. I couldn’t manage my emotions, I was in tears and my body shaking, in shock with the thought: “What kind of a life story is this?” I got dragged to this state of emotions after İlhan Doğan’s speech he made, at the end of the movie. Hearing his words, the exact same lines of the leading actor in the movie, brought me back to the bitter “truth” and “reality” of what İlhan had experienced.

The movie hasn’t been released yet. I had the honor of watching it at a  special premiere, nominated for the Cannes Film Festival, along with a small and distinguised audience. Being there was an honor. A small detail;  this movie -Regardless, though been stuck in the pandemic period for two years and having waited to be released, is not a foreign production; but is a Turkish production, presenting the life of İlhan Doğan, a famous leader of the Network Marketing industry. Directed by Erdal Murat Aktaş, with its cast (such as Erkan Petekkaya, Sinan Akdeniz, Barbara Sotelsek, Nihan Büyükağaç, Rıza Akın, Kaan Kaiser), it is a remarkable production. It will be launched in seven languages (Turkish, German, English, French, Spanish, Russian and Arabic), at different parts of the world… Coming soon…

No spoilers… But… It tells the heroic story of a man, born in Germany, got uprooted by going to Adana, then back to Germany; a traumatic childhood and youth, while despite all succeeds in overcoming difficulties one after another, and reaches positions anyone would be envious of. It is a must-watch movie! Why? With all its pure truth, İlhan’s story is an inspiration for hope… A powerful lesson… A vivid example that heroes can and do exist, not only in novels, but in real life too… And, has the message that there is always an option to choose and become a good person, regardless of everything.

Endless thanks to everyone who contributed –to especially dear Murat Aktaş.

Lots of love from Barcelona…

* Regardless – Her Şeye Rağmen

https://www.haberturk.com/marsilya-baskonsolosu-film-ekibini-kutladi-3449214

Last weekend, I watched Ridley Scott’s (2021) movie The Last Duel, which is about the true story set in 1386. The film is based on Eric Jager’s (2006) book The Last Duel: The True Story of Crime, Scandal, and Trial by Combat in Medieval France. The story is about the trial by duel between two formerly close friends, the warrior knights (de Carrouges and le Gris). Le Gris is on trial for raping de Carrouges’ wife. According to the court decision, one will die at the end of the duel and the survivor will have done God’s will, that is, justice. If Le Gris survives, he will be acquitted, and de Carrouges’ wife will be burned at the stake as punishment. I won’t give any spoilers… But I can say it’s a must-watch movie that is terrifying to the bone! I couldn’t get over it for a long time. It made me question the progress, change and transformation societies have gone through since the Middle Ages. Although we have experienced tremendous modernisation in science, technology, health, management, and social aspects, I cannot say that we have made much progress in some respects, especially in women’s rights and the status of women in society. As for the reason, I shall explain…

Think about the 21^st Century, in the relatively developed societies… Consider the status of women, their role and the opportunities they can have, or things they can do today… think about it! Surely, although women have won great rights since the history – and they have suffered and struggled much to win those rights, unfortunately, their place in society has not reached an equal position with men! One does not need a guide to a village that’s already within sight! It’s crystal clear that we haven’t made much progress in achieving the deserved level for women’s rights; considering that we still celebrate International Working Women’s Day (8^th March); that there are opposing ideas against feminism movements; that various NGOs and think-tanks carry out activities advocating for equality of women side-by-side men; that concepts such as “equal pay for equal work” or “glass ceiling syndrome” regarding women employees are still matters of discussion; and that the sexist behaviour and gender-biased policies, like from the wages of women to promotions, continue in the workplace!

Upon leaving the cinema, I questioned the status of women in the society since 1386 until today! I thought about the experiences of a young married woman who was raped, the way she defended herself and the ‘judgmental’ looks of others in the face of this incident; I questioned the role of women as mother and wife; I thought about the socially constructed role attributed to a woman, as if she were a property that should be protected, or even that belonged to the man; and, I thought about how men’s perception of masculinity was structured and shaped. Centuries passed, but the status of women and men in society hasn’t changed much, I said to myself!

Later, I examined the reflection of this sociocultural phenomenon on the languages ​​I speak. For example, in modern Turkish, couples call each other as their ‘partner’ or my equal, signifying as my other half; however, it is interesting that in some European languages ​​with a feminine-masculine distinction, men call their wives my wife (English), ma femme (French), mi mujer (Spanish), ishti (Hebrew) with possessive and dominating words meaning ‘my woman’. A woman says baali (Hebrew) meaning my owner, mi marido (Spanish) meaning my man, mon marie (French), and my husband (English) meaning ruler of the house in Old Norse. Meanwhile, before the word “partner” was coined, even still today, spouses address each other by kocam and karım. It is claimed that the origin of the word karım (my wife in Turkish) comes from the word ‘snow’ (kar in Turkish) that covers the mountain; and kocam (my husband in Turkish) comes from the word ‘great’ (koca in Turkish). That is, every time a woman calls her husband, she emphasises his wisdom and majesty, just like a mountain; the man, on the other hand, expresses that he sees his wife as the person who surrounds and covers him in his life. How nice, isn’t it!

When I look at the society’s positioning of women alongside men, I must say that modern Turkish language, which is not sexist, and Turkish culture in essence, is more contemporary and egalitarian compared to others. For example, while Turkish women were given the right to vote and be elected in 1934, the same rights were given in Switzerland in 1971, in Israel, along with its establishment, in 1948, in Spain in 1933 (where after Franco’s regime in 1977). (You can check the list of countries at https://stacker.com/world/when-women-got-right-vote-50-countries. We owe the modernity and equality that Turkish women have today to Atatürk. However, he did not live long enough to make his vision and actions sustainable; and today, women’s equality with men is still being discussed, and efforts are made to break the bigoted perception and mentality.

Considering this, the works of the Turkish based NGO Yanındayız and the movement for equality between women and men, initiated by their #kadınerkekeşittirnokta Conference (meaning ‘women and men are equal, full stop’ in Turkish), are noteworthy. It is an innovative movement in a way that it includes a wide range of supporters within the society, adopts an egalitarian approach among women and men, and addresses the difficulties also experienced by men in society, that is not based on positive discrimination against women. What is striking is that it examines the male perception of masculinity and the right to dominate over women, as a result of social learning, and the psycho-social source of this; it is a movement that aims to raise awareness on this issue and transform mindsets. Perhaps this is one of the most pioneering movements I have followed so far.

Years ago, I heard a phrase at a women’s conference: “men talk, women do”. It is a process where men must also be involved apart from the active role that women played in establishing equality. This process is not a duel between a man and a woman, it is a collaboration. Because it has a characteristic that will directly concern, influence, and ultimately liberate men. I would like to end this article with the words of a feminist sociologist and writer Pınar Selek, whose words I quoted from the conference I mentioned: “Men whose egos are constantly inflated, who are identified with the myths of the sovereign, and who are applauded as they approach these myths, are constantly castrated on the wheels of sovereignty. Because while their capacity for violence is constantly being nurtured, they stumble in real life. In other words, their truths are crushed and fragmented. In other words, masculinity learned by crawling becomes a process in which the promise of power and impotence are experienced together.”

I am hereby sharing the Youtube link for those who are interested in watching the conference. Just to note that it is in Turkish!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwzPSh1yICc)

With love.

November 17^th, 2021

Translation from Turkish: Handegül Demirhan

The past three or four months have had different meanings for everyone living on earth; it has served different purposes; and everyone has experienced this phase differently, generating various messages to oneself. On one hand, it was a worrisome period, and on the other hand, full of valuable gains… At the same time, we can say that everything has developed quite rapidly, that the events have matured, the change has taken place beyond the speed we are used to, and that we have adapted quickly. What happened between February and May 2020 will be on the history pages enormously (web pages will be more appropriate); it will be subject to novels, poems, songs, cinemas and theaters…

So, what has happened in these four months? What do you see when you look back? What has changed in your life; what has remained the same? What new habits have you gained? I say “you have gained” on purpose, because each new habit we get to is essentially an acquisition, whether it is forced or conscious. Like everyone else, I observe a tremendous change and transformation in myself and in the world… It seems like the new world order will be very different from the old one… Rather than what awaits us, I would like to draw your attention to how this transformation is taking place… I call this process “Pressure Cooker Effect”.

If you’re questioning why it’s a pressure cooker effect, I’d like to invite you on a journey… Imagine yourself as a chickpea… Small, hard, and sturdy… In your mother’s kitchen, in a warm jar, you live in peace with your siblings… One day, your mother takes by handfuls of you and your siblings out of your jar and puts in a bowl with full of water… You sleep blissfully in the warm water, unaware of the time, and at the same time you swell, soften, and find peace… You’re peeling with the effect of this sauna bath, so to speak… You are rejuvenating… After 10-12 hours, you find yourself in a pot, hot as burning fire, where you swell up and up till you get a soft consistency… In about 14 hours, your mother transforms you from a rock-hard chickpea into a nutritional source which you can’t get enough of enjoying the taste of…

What happened to the chickpea is the same change and transformation that most of us experience in our lives, unless it’s a sudden event… As we age slowly, our ideas, habits, pleasures in life, or ways of doing our hoursehold chores change at relative speed along with the flow of life… In fact, it would be more appropriate to say “was changing” … Until Covid-19 came into our lives!

What happened with Covid-19? With the pressure cooker effect, everything accelerated… The 14-hour duration was reduced to 1 hour; the chickpea quickly adapted to the environment under pressure, swollen, crusted and peeled, and came to the consistency of consuming. None of them could put up resistance against the pressure, otherwise it would explode! We and the world order, just like that little chickpea, have overcome the period of 2-3 years of change-transformation within four months… we have been shelled and softened by the circumstances… we have experienced a process to pass slowly rather fast forward… all of us, one by one, have been keeping up with it and its speed… In sum, whether we wanted it or not, we have transformed with the changes brought by the moment, without resistance…

On the way out of my pressure cooker, I have my own implications… “Change is the only constant in life” says Heraclitus. Transformation is inevitable where there is change! We also know that the “future” will come one day… But this time, with Covid-19, the “future” has come much faster, unexpectedly and surprisingly… Analysing the process that happens to us with the effect of pressure cooker, it is not the effect of the pressure cooker on itself but on us that matters… So, we need to focus on the experience of the chickpeas… looking at their structure, their experiences, their emotions, their insecurities, their fears, the elements they find warmth and peace… and perhaps we should look at the new environment they will encounter when they come out of their contaniners. As for me, only such point of view will support the change and transformation we are going through… ease the process… and make the journey pleasant to us though it seems the opposite… It will make all kinds of beauty brought by the path more vibrant, more accessible and more meaningful.

Have a pleasant journey…

Dr. Shirli Ender Büyükbay

June 17, 2020

In the past two months, we have experienced the change and transformation that we could experience in two years; and perhaps we have learnt lessons that otherwise we couldn’t have in a lifetime. Our lives, our habits, and our perspective on life have changed from head to toe. Up until the first weeks of 2020, as if we were living in absolute certainty, we were living for the long term with every step planned, our agenda programmed, our travels determined by day-time, all necessary arrangements such as ticketing and reservation completed. Suddenly, an invisible microscopic organism has displaced our order; everything we know to be true has changed; with new achievements, we are moving towards a new order…

What have we learnt over the course of that period; what have we started to see differently; what have we seen that we couldn’t have earlier even though it existed; and what have we started to ignore? Like selectivity in perception; though the phenomena are right under our noses, when they are outside our field of interest, they remain outside our field of attention, and we do not see them. However, we see what we look at.

What did I notice within that period?

• As it turns out, self-care habits are as important as basic needs, and care services are as vital as food suppliers. In all countries that entered into the normalization process, hairdressers and barbers were the first ones to start operating; then other small businesses, shops, cafes started to serve.
• With effective and empathetic communication, we have developed our mutual respect and love skills. Despite social distancing over the past two months, social ties have become even stronger. As family members spent more time together, the depth and quality of sharing has increased. We have gained new habits such as playing games, watching movies, and chatting together. The concept of allocating time and space to oneself has changed shape, and we have learnt to create space within the same space.
• Once again, we recalled what really mattered in our lives. Because life took place at home instead of the street, we sought peace, happiness, success, and power, not outside, but within; and we found them! While previously we called our parents once a week, we called them every day; we had long conversations and included them in our lives in the flow of the day.
• A cook was born from almost every household (at least)… Breads, pizzas, dumplings, stews, wraps, kebabs, shrimp tempuras, Ramadan flatbreads, bagels were tried, made, eaten; photos were spread on social media; one ate, and the other made!
• Our spiritual presence and awareness have increased. The concepts of collective consciousness, unity and solidarity have gained prominence. We have finally begun to see that the greatest force that exists in the universe is love and acknowledged the value it deserves. The attitude and behaviour of one for all and all for “one” has become widespread.
• We realized that although we thought we had dominance over it, life had its own rules and we didn’t have that much control. One microscopic particle rubbed our noses that, the humankind is not that “big” after all, and there is a power greater than ourselves, and that we must align rather than defy.

In retrospect, we’ve become prisoners of our habits… Instead of sailing to new horizons, we chose to stay in our familiar safe bay; we continued to do, to eat, and to talk the same things. We lived in a vicious circle around the same thoughts, the same feelings, and the same experiences. We couldn’t have the courage to let go of control because of the fear that “never…” will happen to us, just like our fears did. But… the familiar life they called “old normal” is now left far behind… Life pushes us out of the bay despite the fears, the nevers, and the buts… It’s time to untie the ropes and set sail with the wind.

This period of quarantine, like the time a caterpillar spent in its cocoon to regenerate itself until it was born a butterfly, was a period of transition for all of us… Now it’s time to get out of our cocoon; take wing, and sail on to new experiences and what the “new normal” will bring to us… without knowing what awaits us… Uh-ohh…. the fear has spread, right? Fear of the unknown! But don’t worry… our skills and wisdom to deal with it are within us, they are with us. Paulo Coelho, in his book Zahir, puts it perfectly: “All you have to do is pay attention; lessons always come when you’re ready; and if you can read the signs, you’ll get all the information you need to take the next step.”

Right along with the spring and summer as nature awakens again, we too are sailing for new experiences these days… learning to live in new waters… with new waves! But what about the “new normal”? Just the way we want it to be, our new habits will follow. It will get on by adapting to the incoming conditions. It will be by shifting away from rigid, “never” -style reactions to flexible, “why not” -style thoughts. Without ignoring the emotions of fear, anxiety, worry– on the contrary, by embracing them, and by taking curiosity, self-confidence, self-compassion, and self-love as friends with us. In all circumstances, it will be by remembering that the new waters are more vibrant, more efficient, and more alive than the old static ones… And by embracing life with “whatever comes, welcome, I’m here, I’m ready, I’m in!”, we will welcome the new normal freely with open arms. As the father of mindfulness John Kabat-Zinn said, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf them.”

Dr. Shirli Ender Büyükbay

20 May 2020