Last week, October 11, 2022, I did one of the craziest, the most insane and perhaps the undoable thing in my life. It was something that I had in mind for a long time but had neither courage nor time to do it. I still cannot believe I did it.  Looking back, it feels like a gap between reality and a memory. Difficult to explain… Imagine a nightmare you breathlessly wake up from, hardly able to distinguish whether it’s real! For sure, mine was not a dream! It was real… What was real indeed, were the shifts in emotions, attitudes, and perceptions towards life, rather than the act itself! Just like a breakthrough, it opened a doorway to stretch my limits, reexplore myself and experience a new sense of freedom.

You must be saying “Come on…. what is it! What have you done?” The truth, even while typing these lines my heart is pounding loudly. What I did really feels abnormal! So… what I did is… I went up to the blue sky -the sky at which any normal person with their feet on the ground would look up; climbed to 4200 meters high and jumped down! That’s what I did; I skydived from 4200 meters! The crucial part is how I did it, with whom, which tools and with which courage… that is a story of its own! I’ll try to explain…Why? Definitely not to show off! The contrary, to share how I felt and what I added to my life as experience. While putting these into words, I come to realize even more… At this very moment (October 16^th, 2022; Sunday 12:47), while typing, I still vividly feel and live those moments… And, what impacted me most was not the jump itself; but all that went in my mind and heart, up until I let myself down that plane… Plus the self-reflections I had later…

So… It all happened on a Tuesday morning (October 11^th) at a town called Empuriabrava (https://www.skydiveempuriabrava.com/), 1,5 hours’ drive from Barcelona. My husband, daughter and I arrived there, anxious, and unsure about what’s expecting us. After registration we met our instructors with whom each would tandem jump. We put on the equipment, got briefed and headed to the plane. Taking the engine’s hot air onto our faces, we got on board a tiny tube-like propeller plane. We left all our personal stuff at the office. Being always on top of things -in case of emergency- I gave my mom’s number and told the location of our house key to a friend, who randomly had called to ask where we were going that morning… (Reflecting back, I realize the magnitude of the responsibility I put on her shoulders!) Although having made my mind up for the dive, I also texted my ear doctor to ask if there would be any risk from pressure change due to high altitude. By the time the response came, I was on my way up in the sky…

Buckled-up, seated side-by-side, facing one another, in that narrow space, all 15 of us were heading upwards into the sky. Opposite me was my instructor Xavier, my husband on his left and the cameraman to record my jump (out of anxiety, my mind seems to have missed processing and recording his name) on his right; at two of my sides were my husband’s instructor and cameraman… Since we were last to jump, we were by the cockpit. We could see all the flight control panels. Nevertheless, I barely saw anything; my eyes were looking; but the mind simply wasn’t processing; all I knew my heart was about to pop out! My daughter, that was to jump first, was sitting at the other end of the plane, by the exit. I could hardly see her face across the 8-10 heads between us. She too was excited! Hers was a different kind; mixed with courage and youthfulness…

On our way up, we were chatting about this and that… Everything was getting smaller and smaller, out of the tiny window behind me. I could see lands, clouds, just like the scenery I am accustomed to see from a Turkish Airline flight. But neither I nor my gazing eyes and feeling heart were the same. The instructor next to me showed the altimeter and said, “we are at 1500 meters, we’re heading up to 4200 meters, we still have more to go.” In half shock I asked myself “Gooosh… what the heck am I doing here… what the hell are we doing?” and turned back to him and said, “just remind me not to do this again!” That, in fact, was a message I was telling myself! Later my husband said that my face was as white as a wall!

In between all these, suddenly, I gave a pause! I decided to clear myself from these fuzzy emotions and thoughts; by inhaling, taking deep breaths… by letting myself notice the reason me being there… by searching inside myself, cognitively being aware and reflecting to myself. And I realized that this was one of the things I wanted to do -like a Bucket List*- my entire life, and here I was to do it. This was my conscious choice and free will to be there… I was there because I truly wanted to have the experience, despite the enormous fear and anxiety. I was determined and I wanted to enjoy it!!!

Finally, the time has come. We, the tandem jumpers, began getting prepared; in a kangaroo-like manner, each got attached to his instructor, straps firmly and safely connected, finally were ready for the jump. Exit door opened and there was my daughter ready to go… I placed a kiss on my palm and blew it towards her. She, catching the kiss with her palm, placed it on her chest -her heart! Doing the same, she too sent me a kiss. Then…. Hoop, she jumped!  There was neither anxiety nor fear, but I felt mere joy and happiness! Through a flashback, I went back 18 years in time; to the day she was born, the moment I had her in my arms; when she was a tiny, naïve, and vulnerable baby… All of a sudden, watching her jump out of the plane felt like rebirth; becoming a grown up mature young woman, who is smart and skillful, knowing herself and being in charge of her life. That was the moment I realized; my daughter grew up!

While busy thinking about all these, all solo divers had jumped, and it was our turn… Standing by the exit, facing the -10 degrees freezing cold, I turned to my husband and said “bye…” My cameraman had already jumped and up in the air he was waiting for me! I took a deep breath, looked down and thought “this is it, just enjoy!” Xavier and I made that small leap and began going down in open air at full speed. Like birds… flapping our arms, as if flying or swimming in the air and were whirling round and round for a minute or so… “Shirli, this is real… you are free falling…” (Actually, we were falling down, in full speed!) I thought, “…and you, were about to kill this experience with your fear and anxiety!”

It was an amazing experience. At the end of that one-minute Xavier pulled the shroud line to open the parachute. Going down in full speed, we instantly began bouncing upwards, and floating up in the air. For another five minutes or so we fluttered down, slowly making our way down, making rounds… Apart from the magnificence of the scenery beneath my feet; conceiving the reality -of me and my white Nikes floating in the air in that scenery, was even more amazing. No words to describe this sensation! I flew like a bird and was about to land. Fear would be inevitable, as this was a totally an unfamiliar experience… But the urge to enjoy the moment and take the best of its marvels just outnumbered the fear. This was, what one may call adrenaline at its peak! When we landed back at the initial point, I felt no fear, anxiety, or excitement. Instead, there were a lot of new revelations, pieces of awareness, and loads of emotions and thoughts…

I noted some of my takeaways below…

• My daughter’s jump somewhat symbolizes the cutting of the umbilical cord once again and signifies as her flying off and living her life on her own. The two critical moments in her life, me giving birth and her jumping down the plane, got united.
• This was the first time ever in my life, that I chose to trust and handover my life to someone I barely know. I indeed did trust him! Even though I had had many workshops and personal development programs, never have I had a trust test as this one before.
• Corona and the pandemic had taught us how we cannot have any control over our lives. Personally, I consider myself having had significant progress. For the first time I was able to let go of the control and hand it over to an expert.
• I realized that holding on to having control does no good! Because, while we are busy with keeping it, we are actually missing out the real experience. Once we learn to let go, we’ll truly let ourselves be able to enjoy life and its marvels. Despite saying “I won’t do this again” before the jump, surprisingly I said, “I’ll do it again!” during the 60-second freefall.
• Besides the issue of letting go control, I had the chance to experience something incredible with my own choice and will. I am referring to the dreadful sensation of coming face-to-face with death and experiencing fear. Well, I must admit I somewhat met the angel of death twice in my life, where both brought such takeaways that were key in leading my life then after. The first was in 1999, at time of the destructive Gölcük earthquake; in those 47 seconds of earth shaking, I remember promising myself, “Shirli, if you get to survive this nightmare, you shall change what you don’t like and live as you like.” The second incidence was in 2016, on a Turkish Airline flight from New York to Istanbul; we had to make an emergency landing to Halifax because of a technical issue -where soon after we learnt it was a bomb alert. It was then that I said to myself “Shirli, you’re here with your husband and daughter; if this is the end, there’s nothing to do; until today you’ve carried a life fulfilled in a way you wanted, you achieved your goals, on the other hand, there is so much more you want to further accomplish…” and promised myself, “If you survive this craze, you shall not change anything, and will go on living as you’ve been doing.” This skydive was the third experience… Once again, I was facing the fear of death, but with a great distinction, which it was with my own will, deliberately, to explore and stretch my limits. This time I promised myself “Shirli, if you want to enjoy the marvels of life, let go of the control.” So, that’s what I did, and doing!
• Unsurprisingly, my ear doctor eventually did call and text me, while I was up in the air. Guess what, he said! “Do it! Not even with a single doubt!” He even asked if I had done it and how the experience had been. I responded him with a video recording saying, “it was awesome, amazing, incredible!”
• Frankly, I did not share this outrageous thing I had done with many people. Interestingly, as time goes by, it gets normalized; I perceive it as more normal than abnormal. Almost everyone whom I told reacted with shock, either saying things like “God, what have you done!” or being speechless -who in particular were my parents! Their reflections signified the abnormality; however, all of the takeaways I had at the end and the courage for another jump made it quite normal! Needless to mention the small detail that my instructor Xavier did his 5^th jump with me that morning. Now the crazy question is revolving in my mind: What I had done, was it abnormal or quite normal? This question I leave to you!

October 16^th, 2022

*Bucket List is derived from the expression kicking the bucket that means dying. It was proposed by the scenarist and film director Justin Zackham, in 1999, by adding the word list as reference to realizing one’s dreams before death. In 2007, he directed his film with the same title Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Perhaps the film and its title has inspired many to realize their dreams before death.

Have you realized that movies based on true stories are now produced more and more compared to the past years, and they are getting higher demand by the audience? How do I know? Because I prefer this type of movies to fiction ones. It takes one to know one! Why, though? These movies help me go back to the period in which they take place; thanks to their stories, to witness the emotions, experiences, and choices behind those events, to feel as if I have been through all of them, even for just a moment and take lessons out of them. Besides, I use such movies as case studies in my leadership courses, to inspire my students, so that they can make realistic inferences about leadership. “A wise person learns from his mistakes. A wiser one learns from others’ mistakes.” they say.

Last week, I encountered a new movie that may be an impeccable case candidate: Regardless*. Absolutely striking, and just as shocking. I was drained and shaken to the core, while watching this based on true story movie. The reason to it is that it is beyond reality –it is a terrifying story, reminiscent of fiction. I would have said “This story can’t be real!”, if I hadn’t met the protagonist face to face, moments before watching the movie, if hadn’t shaken hands and hadn’t talked to him.  But it is! It is so real that the hero was watching his own story, in that very room, with me and all the invited audience, just three seats away. Within the one hour fifty-six minute movie, for split-seconds my mind and emotions strayed away to the fact that the protagonist was there, with us. Just imagine… Imagine that he, who confirms the reality of the incredible things he’s gone through, is there sitting right beside you and watching it! It’s hard not to be impressed when you look at this beautiful person who has managed to remain “human” with his innocent face, tender heart, and kindness despite all evils! For this reason, the incredible story of İlhan Doğan, who in spite of everything succeeded in being the leader of his life, deeply affected me.

Consul General of Marseille Arda Ulutaş (on the right), my husband and I.

When we left the theatre, I wasn’t the person I was before the movie! I, who deliver trainings to people about regulating emotions, was completely out of control. I couldn’t manage my emotions, I was in tears and my body shaking, in shock with the thought: “What kind of a life story is this?” I got dragged to this state of emotions after İlhan Doğan’s speech he made, at the end of the movie. Hearing his words, the exact same lines of the leading actor in the movie, brought me back to the bitter “truth” and “reality” of what İlhan had experienced.

The movie hasn’t been released yet. I had the honor of watching it at a  special premiere, nominated for the Cannes Film Festival, along with a small and distinguised audience. Being there was an honor. A small detail;  this movie -Regardless, though been stuck in the pandemic period for two years and having waited to be released, is not a foreign production; but is a Turkish production, presenting the life of İlhan Doğan, a famous leader of the Network Marketing industry. Directed by Erdal Murat Aktaş, with its cast (such as Erkan Petekkaya, Sinan Akdeniz, Barbara Sotelsek, Nihan Büyükağaç, Rıza Akın, Kaan Kaiser), it is a remarkable production. It will be launched in seven languages (Turkish, German, English, French, Spanish, Russian and Arabic), at different parts of the world… Coming soon…

No spoilers… But… It tells the heroic story of a man, born in Germany, got uprooted by going to Adana, then back to Germany; a traumatic childhood and youth, while despite all succeeds in overcoming difficulties one after another, and reaches positions anyone would be envious of. It is a must-watch movie! Why? With all its pure truth, İlhan’s story is an inspiration for hope… A powerful lesson… A vivid example that heroes can and do exist, not only in novels, but in real life too… And, has the message that there is always an option to choose and become a good person, regardless of everything.

Endless thanks to everyone who contributed –to especially dear Murat Aktaş.

Lots of love from Barcelona…

* Regardless – Her Şeye Rağmen

https://www.haberturk.com/marsilya-baskonsolosu-film-ekibini-kutladi-3449214

When asked “Who are you?”, everyone has a list of social identities. Although they are in different order, they are similar in terms of their content. When I am asked, I would say I am a citizen of the world, a woman, a wife, a mother, a child. But the most dominant identity with which I define myself and which makes me who I am is being an “educator”, which is accompanied by roles such as mentor, coach, counselor, guide, listener, mirror and “being there” for the other person. Whatever it is, I have a principled and idealistic side that I do not accept what is not in my heart and mind. That’s why, while others in the sector progressed and rose, I chose and practiced what felt right to me, at the expense of staying in my place. Because I weigh, I look at the relationship between the effort I put in and the result I create; I look for the balance between the impact or added value I create for the good of myself and the whole. If one outweighs the other, the balance is out of balance. Because only when both sides of the shroud are in balance, both sides will find their rightful place and reach satisfaction. Hence, the story of this article is education!

As an educator, my aim is to teach what I know to individuals who are eager to learn; make them discover personalised learning methods;and to be a facilitator in identifying their needs and accessing information; to support them determine their life path by being aware of their own internal and external resources. In brief, my aim is to empower them in their life journey, to raise individuals who can sustain their lives and paths, and who can lead themselves and others. My biggest source of satisfaction is seeing the impact and added value I have created. When I meet my students years later, it is a unique happiness to know their success stories and that I am a part of it! Like forestry, planting hundreds of saplings, watering them regularly, and years later, turning the generations into a forest and being a part of it.

Easy to say! But it takes effort! Much has changed from the educator-student relations of the past to the mission and vision of educational institutions. Instead of “old wine in a new bottle” we witness “new wine is an old bottle.” The understanding of education has shifted from pedagogical and developmental foundations to business and managerial ambitions; the end and the means have been replaced, where both the buyer and the seller are satisfied. Like shops where every product has a buyer, “education shops” have emerged. For example, in Barcelona, some institutions that offer undergraduate and graduate programs in the status of Business School have launched a doctoral-level Doctor of Business Administration (DBA) program. And they did it very well. Not everyone is going to get a PhD. Unlike the academic and research-oriented PhD (Doctor of Philosophy) program, the DBA is a professional specialization program that focuses on theoretical knowledge in business and management and its adaptation to the business world. In fact, it is the deepest level of specialisation at the highest level of education. The participant is on his/her way to becoming the pioneer of his/her field and the “highest level” of seriousness and dedication is expected of him/her as he/she goes through this process. Specialization at the doctoral level is such an adventure.

As much as the commitment of the doctoral candidate, a “top level” structure is expected from the program director (the institute) to the lecturers and the method of education. In other words, the method of implementation is as important as the richness of the program offered. Ideally, classes at this level should be face-to-face; but when you consider the access of others who live in other lands, distance education is an incomparable boon; which comes in two types: synchronous (online) and asynchronous (offline). In one, learners join the learning group in a virtual classroom environment by connecting via Zoom, Google Meets or Microsoft Teams and participate interactively (synchronously), while in the other, they follow the video recording at any time anywhere (asynchronous). Asynchronous may be ideal in a certificate program, but cannot accommodate a program aimed at high-level specialisation. The validity, reliability, and impact of a PhD-level program designed with an asynchronous setup is questionable.

As you can see, it is a situation that made me think. I got an offer to be part of an asynchronous program. In a 16-week leadership DBA program, I would prepare the course content, videotape it in a professional studio and present it to the students through the institution’s portal. The temptation to design and build the course was great, even the idea of ​​recording in the studio was appealing. Then, I questioned: ‘Participants will follow my lectures for 16 weeks, they will see my face and my voice, and I will not be able to interact with any of them or address their individual needs or questions one by one. Where is the exchange, where is the interaction, what kind of mutual learning and development method is this?” I thought about the result of my work and effort… All the sparkle went out in a puff. These people who will complete the program will carry the title of expert in their field, but they will be the product of content and fiction designed according to a uniform profile! They will build their knowledge and skills by being restricted within the framework offered by the program, they will not be able to include their individual experiences and stories in the development process…

It didn’t make sense! I said this doesn’t suit me and I rejected the offer! I do not criticize the system, nor do I object to it, but I refuse to be a part of it, because as an educator, I question educational practices and weigh the role I will play in this scenario. As ‘education is the beginning of everything”, I choose to be a part of it by doing it justice, contributing to its functioning and aiming for it to reach the recipient in the most appropriate, profound and beneficial way. Because, when I look at today’s educational outcomes, university graduates cannot find jobs, and on the other hand, there is education inflation with diploma degrees that are easier to access and obtain. Unfortunately, it is possible today to acquire status and titles as if buying them from a store, without putting in enough effort and sweat. Nevertheless, education, competence and skills are not easily acquired, so should be the title! Otherwise, Dunning-Kruger* syndrome inflation in society will be inevitable!

Love from Barcelona.
23rd February 2022

*Dunning-Kruger Syndrome: The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome was theorized and researched by two US psychiatrists, David Dunning and Justin Kruger, about 10 years ago.

Based on the theory of ‘ignorance, unlike true knowledge, increases one’s self-confidence’, the following findings were reached as a result of various applications in the physiological and mental fields:
Unqualified people do not realize to what extent they are unqualified.
Unqualified people tend to overestimate their qualities.
Unqualified people are also incapable of seeing and understanding the qualities of truly qualified people.
If their qualities are enhanced by a certain amount of education, these same unqualified people begin to realize their lack of qualities.

You can get further information at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning–Kruger_effect

Life is so mysterious! Here I am sitting at my dining table in my Barcelona home, drinking Turkish coffee from the coffee cup that my cousin gave me as present in Tel Aviv. When I look at the cup, I am thinking that “I could be sipping my coffee in a bohemian cafe on the Dizengoff Street now.” When I breathe in the coffee smell, I say “Oh, I could be drinking this coffee while listening to the seagulls and watching the fish by the sea at the AŞŞK Café, by the Bosphorus, in Kuruçeşme, Istanbul.” As I become aware of the present time and space that I am in, I say in peace that “I am home, in the place where I purposefully chose to be.” Thinking about it, the taste of the coffee, the meaning and value of the cup, the comfort of the chair that I am sitting on all grow further. How interesting! Thanks to my choices and awareness, my perception and emotions change right away.

Our life seemed so simple and easy until a few months ago. We could effortlessly make it to the places (like Dizengoff Street or AŞŞK Cafe) whenever we felt like it. Travelling or the idea of moving from one place to another was super easy. Whereas now, we don’t act on any decision before evaluating its worth several times. When we don’t act but keep still, our emotions take over and we get carried away with them, and suddenly we find our inner voice whispering “Oohhh… if only we were there now.” Is this about the feeling of missing or longing for something? It looks so, but not quite. Is it disappointment or melancholy? I think that either. To me, it feels like the feeling of being left out of something, that emerges from deprivation or lack. It is a state where one is missing an opportunity or being not a part of a fun event. More commonly, it is called fear of missing out (FOMO).

Many acquaintances have dealt with these feelings over the summer. It is difficult. Due to our choices, we miss out on many events seemingly out of reach due to external circumstances. A closer look at this game of life reveals that it is all about results of our decisions and how we implement those in our own way. We live according to the consequences of our choices. It is not our choices that makes us feel missing out. It is our resistance to give up on the choices that we did not take; our inability to leave behind those and move on. If it sounds a bit abstract, let me tell you a story that perfectly illustrates my point.

A young and an old priest were walking together around in an oasis. They came across with a river next to which stood a desperate half-naked woman. The woman wanted to cross the river, but she did not know how to swim. “I don’t know how to swim,” she said. “Can you help me cross the river?”

“We always help people,” replied the old priest and held the woman in his arms. As they crossed the river, the young priest was thinking that what they were doing was wrong and sinful. After reaching to the other side, the old priest gently put the woman on the ground. The woman thanked to the priest and went on her own way. After a couple of hours of walking, the young priest could not hold it anymore and let his mind out to the priest “How could you hold and carry a half-naked woman? You, a priest!”

“I already left the woman by the river,” the old priest calmly replied to the young one. “You are the one that is still carrying her.”

This story beautifully demonstrates the following point: our doubts and fears of missing out is closely related to our awareness and consciousness during the decision-making process. The more we know what we want to choose, the more pleased we are with the results. When we manage to let go of the alternatives, to leave them behind or even forget once we make a choice, we truly become happy with our selection. I could be swimming in Bodrum in our summer house instead of sitting here in my living room in Barcelona. I could be meditating in the Karabaglar cottage in Izmir; I could be watching the sunset on a boat with a glass of drink in my hand; I could be walking by the Bebek Coast in Istanbul, and so on… All these thoughts are too sweet not to imagine. I would love to do all of those, why not! By the same coin, I could be trapped in bed due to Covid (or any other reason); that, of course, I would not like that to happen at all. However, I cannot be present in more than one place, and right now I am at the place where I consciously chose to be, so there is no better alternative than this one!

In my opinion, chasing away the fear of missing out is not about longing for somewhere else. On the contrary, it is about being content with where we are, discovering the hidden gems and wonders of the present moment, and making peace and enjoying all the consequences that our choices bestowed upon us. This is a philosophy of life promising us the real happiness. It promises us a life where we let go phrases starting with “I wish I were…” and do not carry the feeling of missing out. This approach towards life promises us “to be fine with what we are and what we have.”
Wherever you are right now, stay safe, in peace and with love.

Best wishes from Barcelona,

October 7, 2020

I’m writing these lines at my dinner table in my home in Barcelona, where I spent about 80 days in quarantine. And probably, you’ll be reading these lines while I’ll be flying from Barcelona to Istanbul, on 1 July 2020, provided that everything goes well…

Today is 24 June 2020… Wednesday… Exactly 50 years ago today, at 7:32 p.m., I opened my eyes to the world, took my first breath, probably not crying, and started to cry once the doctor slapped my bottom, unconsciously and instinctively experienced my first moments. It’s weird but true… 50!

50, an interesting number… Both numerically and being 50 is interesting… Why? Let me put it this way… Biologically, yes, I’m 50 years old. But how old do I feel, how old do I look? I don’t feel nor look 50. Sometimes I feel in my 20s, sometimes in my 30s, and sometimes in my 40s… I probably don’t feel 50, because I got to know my 20s-30s-40s and haven’t yet experienced the 50s… Well, what does it mean to feel 50 years old anyway?! It’s “God’s gift” that I don’t look 50… In fact, it would be more accurate to say that it’s the gift of my dear father’s genes. Even though he is in his early 80s, he looks like he is in his 70s. Well, only up until 10 years ago, he had a trace amount of white hair, which should be valid indicator. No? After all, it’s true that I look like I’m in my 40s. With a little playfulness, high energy, and slim body, I may naturally look as in my 40s.

Now, I’m coming to the real funny perspective… To the unbearable lightness of being 50… Lightness not from weight, appearance or feeling… But in terms of awareness and consciousness.  When I analyse my age in that perspective, quite a different picture emerges. 5-6 years ago, I discovered the importance of having a lifestyle with awareness, mindfulness, consciousness, and attention; I then adapted these philosophies into my life and advocated myself to live by them at every opportunity. I now see myself as someone living with awareness and making the best of every moment of life; that is outstandingly liberating, peaceful and pleasing… I look at the years I have lived freely, peacefully, happily, with absolute awareness and auto-control… Honestly, from the awareness perspective, I’d say I am somewhat around 20 years old… In other words, I can say that for the last 20 years at most, I’ve been living my life to the fullest. I refer to the 20 years I spent being sure of my choices, decisions, desires, and passions, and choosing to live life for myself… All in all, 20 years!

Why so? Well… I barely remember the first 10 years of my life. I can say that I have a notion based on what was passed down to me in parts… I seem to have erased that part of my memory… It was exactly 40 years ago today -June 24^th 1980, the day we moved to Israel, at the age of 10. So, a decade is gone! Ha-ha…  Considering a teenager’s complicated life, until my 20s, life was difficult to understand, I spent my time with discovery, allocated excessive effort and struggle to find my path, which was totally without awareness and consciousness, but with complete dominance of hormones… So, I would say I lived my life only 50% fully… In my 20s, still in search of exploration side-by-side letting go the craze and madness, I somewhat was under the pressure of social norms and requirements; hence these were not easy years either…

As a result, in terms of awareness, I admit that I did not fully enjoy and live my twenties… That leaves me with the last 20 years, starting from my early 30s… Here, the last 20 years were the years of my life! Even though I didn’t meet the concept just yet, in practice I adapted conscious awareness into my life, as a philosophy of life. I lived life to the fullest; choosing for myself, whatever was right in my own way, and of course, minding the good for the whole… Till today, to this very moment of typing these lines, I’ve been living my life with all that it brings; in every way one may imagine… Sometimes with pleasure, sometimes with pain, and with its ups and downs…. For sure, freely, peacefully, and happily… There are so many resources that allow me to do so… First, is me! Second is the amazing people whom I am surrounded with! These are the people who love me for who I am, who accept me as I am, and who care about me no matter what. Just as the way I love myself for who I am, the way I accept myself as I am, and value myself for my worth.

Besides living with awareness, looking back at all that I’ve done in the past 10 years, the incidents I’ve gone through, the challenges I’ve overcome, I’d say that I had real breakthroughs… If I had kept a diary narrating the past 10 years, there’d have been a lot of to tell… In very short, I managed to incapsulate so much into these 10 years: I started my PhD at the age of 41, six years later I got my doctorate degree; at the age of 47 I moved to Barcelona, opening a completely new chapter by starting off in a new country, learning new language and working in a totally foreign culture. As if that wasn’t enough, I then took further steps to settle down by moving out of my house in Istanbul and into a different one in Barcelona… All these had passed (like the wind) within the last 10 special years of my life… I would say that these special years coronated me, in the sense that they rewarded and empowered me with its challenges and achievements. Furthermore, this past year, throughout its 365 days, starting on June 24^th, 2019, with another tough challenge of moving, has taken me to journey of a rebirth, to an awakening and to a great emotional and spiritual transformation. I must admit that, with its deep experiences, to which I named as “The Big Bang of My Little Life”, together with the quarantine period of the Covid-19, this past year has been extraordinarily moving. For that reason, I feel as if I’ve been (spiritually) coronated. In short, the last three years of the past 10 years, especially this very last one, have been special!

So, how old am I? Biologically I am 50… I look 40… I feel like I’m in my 30s… and in the sense of conscious awareness I’m 20 years old… What’s more, I’m 10 years old in making a difference in my life… Let’s see what life is to bring in the next 10, 20, 30 years… I know for a fact that it’s going to be spectacular… Maybe like Benjamin Button’s story, I’ll reach to a state of being that gets more and more refined as I get older, where I’ll be whole… Perhaps narrating them all and making them permanent may be another ravishing journey… Why not! I’ll keep writing….

Shirli from Barcelona

July 1, 2020