Swimming in Uncertainty Waters with Determination

Summer has come. While expecting that things would get easier, our life has become more complicated than ever… With Corona, we are facing such period of time that I think attempting to live the new normal as “normal” is now a total fantasy. While we are still taking all sorts of measures for even a slightest social coexistence, making plans to travel from place to place has become an issue. You may ask “Why?” Well, it’s because we’re attempting to live the new normal with our old habits! We must admit… We are in a period where our pre-corona routine is no longer valid… An era of uncertainty along with indecisiveness, mental and emotional complexity… While we desire to stay where we are, we also want to move on… So much that having options and alternatives is no longer a luxury, but nothing else that source of restlessness and anxiety. Even the simplest short-term trip makes us go through a “radical” decision-making process… It mentally and emotionally drains our energy… Just because of this, we need to maintain our holistic (physical-mental-emotional) balance more than ever.

Let me share a situation we personally experienced over the last few weeks… Everything started with us attempting to return to Istanbul, for summer holidays, taking Turkish Airline’s first scheduled flight from Barcelona. Usually, we get worried on matters related to the terminal, before and after the flight, or during the flight itself… The contrary, our main concern was not the flight itself, but the incredible emotional and mental labor we invested for flying during the Corona time. The flight was extremely comfortable; both terminals were practically empty; no different than a ghost town. All procedures -such as check-in, duty free, security and passport control were super easy; of course, socially distant. Weirdly, utterly counter to my assumption, everyone was silent, quite calm, very serious, and respectful while boarding and getting off. In short, arrival in Istanbul was as easy as a piece of cake.

Again, to emphasize, the real challenge was not about flying… flying itself was the easiest part. It was the mental and emotional confusion we had experienced until we flew that challenged us so much. The instability we had suffered, the uncertainty associated with the circumstances, and the restlessness they had created, made it so complicated… We finally came to such a point of frustration, thinking “enough is enough, whatever will be will be!” and decided to go with the flow. Up till then we thought we were familiar with “uncertainty”, apparently turned out that we were not at all… Trying to live in this volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous context with our old mindset, resisting to adapt to the new normal, we would either lose our minds or become philosophers.

To begin with, it is not very rational to travel and roam when the pandemic is still so active. What the millions –me included– are doing, one would say, is defying the rational to go on with their habits. Don’t we say, “Once thief, always a thief!” for nothing. Our old habits prevail rationality and common sense. Like millions, we were determined to return to Istanbul in July for summer holidays, longing for family and friends. So much that, we bought our tickets for 1st of July with an astonishing determination. We did that based on the statement of Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez; “We will open the borders to tourism on 1 July 2020”, despite the uncertainty whether borders would open or flights would operate.

We bought our ticket and began waiting… Without knowing if we were going to fly… We were expecting the flight to get cancelled as soon as we bought the tickets. To our surprise, nothing happened, neither in the first 15 minutes nothing nor in the coming hours. We heard no updates in the following days either. We were of course surprised, but super excited about the possibility of getting to fly. The wait till July 1st, the day we would fly, was like standing on pins and needles. Any minute a cancelation message could pop up. This anxious assumption derives from our experience back in the early days of our lock down. The day quarantine in Spain was announced, March 14th, we bought flight ticket to Istanbul, and in 15 minutes received a cancellation message. Having experienced that, we were ready for all sorts of news. To our surprise, no cancellation message came until the last day… Were we really going to fly?

As days went by, bits and pieces of information starting flowing. Lists of countries Turkish Airlines would start flying were circulating. One said that the first plane to and from Spain would be on August 1st. Another said July 1st Now, which would you consider, while indicating that a rescue flight scheduled for 23 June? Total confusion! We were in a limbo between “we are flying” and “we are staying.” We stayed stuck between flying and staying until the last day. We were constantly preoccupied with questions such as “will we fly or stay; will we be able to sort out things or not; will we see our family or not; will we go to summer house or not…”. We took, or attempted to take, stupid and ad hoc decisions, such as “if X happens, we’ll do Y, if not we’ll do Z”.

We knew we didn’t want to fly on the rescue flight; so we risked not being able to fly on 1 July. Yet we heard some flight getting cancelled for June 20th and 21st. We still received nothing. We finally were able to say with certainty that we’d be flying, upon hearing of a flight cancellation and an update over our flight time. The 11: 50 scheduled flight was delayed to 12:00. That was a moment of relief of certainty, “there we goo…. we’re flying….” Still, this message was a small step towards certainty, while ambiguity was all around us. Because borders between countries had not yet opened, emergency state had recently lifted in Spain, and freedom of movement agreement between Spain and Turkey was still waiting to take place. Until we did our online check-ins on June 30th, we kept on getting our preparations uncomfortably, in a limbo between flying and staying. Of course, not being able to answer such a simple question; not being able to make a single short-term decision; suspending the matter with “hmmm… maybe…” at every decision stage was an incredibly frustrating experience. What I learnt from this is to be in the moment, live in the moment, and make decisions for the immediate next moment only, along the path, while each moment is approaching.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that this four to five-week interval has brought a lot of things back into question… Made me question, “how can I plan, how can I program myself and take decisions; even feel confident and in control over my life?” in such ambiguity. After all, I didn’t know for sure whether I would fly the day later, cancellation message could come any time. I have realized that I don’t have that much of control over my life, instead there is a decision point between known and unknown, called “free will”; and for me free will is made up of choices based on Mindfulness principles (attitudes such as attention, awareness, intention, acceptance, and non-resistance)… Honestly, ever since I had established a thought-emotion-behaviour system based on these principles, I became more able to pull of this situation in my right mind, along with a smiling face…

At the end, we did get to fly… We arrived in Istanbul… Although it all seemed to be over, swimming in the sea of uncertainty was not over… As long as phenomena that affect the world order such as pandemic remains, and as long as we continue to be firmly attached to our old habits, even enslaving ourselves to them, frustration through uncertainty will never end. There’s nothing to do nor be afraid of! Once you’ve experienced it and gotten through it, it gets easier… One who manages to swim in deep seas of ambiguity and uncertainty can always swim here, there and anywhere… Getting in the water is the key!

Shirli from Istanbul
15 July 2020