Am I Asking Too Much?

I am furious… I am bursting with anger. I am angry at what is happening in the world. I am angry with what men do to another. I am angry on how people exploit people. I am angry at people’s never-ending ambitions and their attempt to doing anything to obtain them. I am angry at their mentality that can even risk harming the ones from their own flesh and blood for the sake of their ambitions. I am angry with the fact that, instead of listening and understanding each other, they do everything to make themselves right and in power. In the name of “humanity”, in the name of “health”, in the name of “democracy”, in the name of “territorial integrity”, they screwed up this world. Not only did they polarize people who never knew each other, who never even been face to face, or who had no common history, but at the same time they turned brothers, couples, neighbours, and old friends against each other. Last year, Covid-19 brought me a glimmer of hope, somewhat had an awakening along with its devastating effect. I truly thought it could have brought a positive effect on humanity… I was thinking that maybe it would transform what has been going on for years, the course of events would progress differently, and human beings would finally find a common ground, would unite, and support each other. With all my naivety thought that something ‘good’ would emerge out of it. Unfortunately, my hopes and dreams were short-lived, and that little light too went out.

I’ve found a poem I had written 30 years ago (28.01.1991). I started off by “A Madman”
A madman, wants to conquer the world,
desires to rule and be the lord.
So many like him came and gone,
none knew where to hold.

He first began by convincing people,
plans made, all got prepared.
If one came against him,
He’d immediately cut off his head.

To possess such power,
he dared to sacrifice valuable living;
Oh tell me Lord, if
he’s nothing but an inhumane being!

I’m sitting at home, observing myself. I’m struggling to find the right words to express my anger. As they say, “bad temper is harm the most to its owner.” True! I feel like turning into steam and disappear. It is a feeling of despair, of being a mere spectator to what’s going on for years, what we’re being exposed to, and with our hands tied doing nothing but watching. I have tried various things in such times… I tried to escape… I tried to ignore and mind my own business… I tried to keep out from what was going on, taking refuge inside my little world… How well did it work? Not so well at all! On the other hand, I tried to engrain the notions and mindsets of peace, love, unity in those around me… Throughout my 25 years of teaching career, I tried to instil such values to my students… I relentlessly explained that we are not affected by the things that happen around or to us, but by the way we perceive and respond to them. I tried to spread the message that our world would change only if we changed ours, and ourselves. I’m not sure how well all of these worked out…

What I do know is that; besides these feelings of anger and despair, I also have doubt, fatigue, and a strange sense of fear. A kind that is difficult to give meaning or put into words… Fear of being overwhelmed by my anger, fear of growing hatred to others through being fed from that fear, and finally fear of creating “destructive” thoughts and desires, through that feeling of hatred. It’s the fear of finding myself thinking or even saying discourses such as “go to hell”, “God damn you” or “suffer in pain” to anyone out of anger; and actually, that is the terrifying part, that is saying such things is utterly not my nature. In all, it is fear that anger has the power to easily awaken the devil sleeping deep down inside and push the person to hatred, hostility, evil, brutality… In a nutshell, I saw in me the potential to lose common sense; I saw that my inner voice could accommodate to a more dominant voice; and I saw that if I let go of that conscious awareness, I could easily get dragged towards the dark side.

A voice inside me said, “Shirli, these words do not belong to you, they cannot, because it’s not you!” and I became aware and started questioning, trying to discover the source, unless they belong to me. I realized that such notions are from what I read, hear, see and of course, the society and values to which I belong… We all generate thoughts under the influence of our roots and environment we’re in. We act unconsciously, by copying them as they are; and if we are not born into that environment, then we choose ourselves a mainstream -you might as well call it an ideology- that we become part of. We act on autopilot by copying and pasting methods, without thinking nor questioning. You see, all of these worry me! It is as if we have ceased to think, to question, to investigate thoroughly, to care for the subtleties of it, to value life and humanism; instead, we have sought to be right, powerful, and to survive at all costs.

After getting rid of the destructive effects of anger, I had questions running in my mind… Since I didn’t wish for anyone to “suffer”, I asked myself what was it that I wished for every single person living on earth. I further asked: “What do I want for myself? Do I want different things for others than I do for myself?” No! For sure not! I want for others all that I wish for myself. For the sake of common good as well as mine, I want everyone to live in peace, at ease, in good intentions and pure love… I wish everyone to wealthy in all sorts… I wish everyone to taste all the emotions a human may feel, not just power, victory, and status, but feelings of weakness, vulnerability, and empathy, as deep as to their bones. Because these what make us human. The truth, I wish everyone did the same. As I’ve never wished anything for others something that I didn’t wish for, nor felt or experienced myself.

Am I asking too much? No! There’s more! I want people to wish others same for what they fight and wish for themselves… I want them to wish that their desires of wealth, power, prosperity, abundance, love and peace would spread in magnitudes to everyone, starting with themselves. In fact, I want them to get their share of whatever they wish for others, so that if they want the suffering, sorrow, failure, destruction of the “other”, I want them to taste it too. I want people to shift from the “me, me, me” mentality to “the good for the whole” attitude and behaviour.

Maybe I am asking for too much. I have been living with these desires for at least 30 years of my life. Human history is full of “dreamers” like me. Speaking of dreamers, I had written another poem that same day”; it is called “I wonder.”

I wonder how likely it is,
people living in peace;
wars one day would cease
I wonder if it is a dream,
to have a common goal,
for people to fight for all?

Neither dream nor real,
It’s pure hope that I feel,
if only this dream was true,
Wonderfully this would do!

Anyway, I rather continue hoping to keep our voices heard… Maybe, one day it’ll all come true. Maybe tomorrow… Maybe sooner than tomorrow…

Shirli from Barcelona
15 May 2021